By Camille Liptak, Staff Writer

Great news! (I’m being sarcastic.) March starts off with a strange bang, as Venus enters air sign Aquarius.

On the 5th, Mercury goes retrograde in water sign Pisces. Hooray! (More sarcasm.) Why the sarcasm, you ask? Well, sarcasm is a mode of satirical wit used to convey contempt…and retrogrades slow down and reverse the energies of the planets.

Since Pisces is a sign that already favors procrastination, it’s going to be harder than usual to make any forward progress during Mercury’s transit. Yay! (Sarcasm again.)

In all seriousness, the last two weeks of March are the promising ones. On the 20th, the Sun enters Aries the same day as the Libra full moon. Then, on the 28th, Mercury turns direct in Pisces, joining Venus. Finally, Mars enters Gemini on the 31st, putting some much needed pep in our proverbial steps.

I’m not finished. The weightier transit this month involves an unfamiliar planet: Uranus.

Astrologically speaking, Uranus (pronounced ur-unus) is the planet of long-term titanic change. The outer planet enters Taurus on the 6th, and stays there for seven years!

Don’t get too scared, though. While this is a major planetary shift, its effects will span the length of that seven-year time period. The signs that are going to be hit the most by this transit are the fixed signs Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius.

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Cosmic, you sly dog you. We know you know your astro-stuff (hence your pen name), but can you please tell us what all this planetary zodiacal mumbo jumbo really means?” First off, thank you. I do know my astro-stuff (hence my pen name). Secondly, yes, I can tell you what all this planetary zodiacal mumbo jumbo means, you just have to be patient, and find your zodiac sign below.


Your season starts the 20th, but you’re already feeling the itch to get things moving. Thankfully, the planets are granting your wishes, supplying you with activities that crowd your social calendar all month long. As you get chummy with new and familiar buddies, Mercury retrograde will bring buried issues up to the surface (this may also surface in a person). Be mindful of how you react to old hurts during this month, as your emotions are particularly squally. You are an architect at heart, so take some time to master build and relax. Do something creative with your hands — draw, write, knit, paint — it’s wisely beneficial to wind down. Uranus in Taurus will prove lucrative for your creative talents. Over this seven-year-stretch, you will inevitably see some rock solid opportunities that change how you use/spend/acquire assets. The Libra full moon asks you to act quickly to culminate a project you’ve been working on with a partner. When Mars enters Gemini on the 31st, you’re revved and ready to charge ahead towards April.


Are you feeling fired up yet, Taurus? Uranus enters your sign on the 6th, joining Mars, and both planets are giving you the propulsion needed to storm the Bastille. You are what’s called a fixed sign. What that means is you don’t like to be forced to change. Good thing Uranus’s changes will span over the next seven years. (Uranus is an outer planet; i.e.: a slow-moving planet, i.e.: a things-don’t-happen-right-away planet). Venus is in your career zone, smoothing out any ruffled feathers at work, and finally people are starting to see you as the one with the answers. Retrograde Mercury mucks up a campaign you’re trying to launch, but come the 28th, that problem fixes itself. The Libra full moon on the 20th hints at a need for harmony with your co-workers. The urge to argue with those who disagree with you vanishes. March wraps up nicely as Mars shifts into Gemini, and in roll the networking contacts and revenue opportunities. Soon, you’ll be rolling in changes like a pig in slop.


The future is now, Gemini. All that you’ve imagined in the past is quaking thanks to Uranus. The planet is rocking your psyche and dreams like a hurricane. Your intuition is stirring and change is brewing. From this inner molting and maturity, you will rise anew. Venus is giving you all sorts of positive feels, and your cup overfloweth with confidence and inspiration. But the tempestuous sentiments of retrograde Mercury wreaks intermittent havoc on your positivity. You might find yourself asking yourself (since there are two — if not four, five, or six of you), where has my mind gone? The good news, once Mercury goes direct, and Venus enters Pisces, you’ll have the answer. More unexpected change brought by the Libra full moon will affect your creativity or romantic life. Suddenly, an idea or a fling sparks, and you’re ready to have fun. But just as soon as it came, the feeling will flutter away. When Mars enters your sign, energy levels soar, and you’re reminded of how exciting it feels to be an astro-Twin.


Mercury retrograde befogs your expansive imagination, making you dream up slights and affronts that aren’t there. Reel in any impulses to lash out, Cancer. Trust your gut; it’s much more reliable than your head. Expect the unexpected during Uranus’ transit of Taurus. New and peculiar people will come in droves, shaking up your social circle. Friends may, without notice, appear, disappear, or assist you in a creative endeavor that wakes up your slumbering aspirations. The Libra full moon puts a big spotlight on your family relationships and home environment, asking you to be more objective and diplomatic about what’s going on, and there may be news about parents or grandparents. Don’t be surprised if you feel tense, irritable, and/or crabby the week leading up to this moon. After all, the lunar luminary is your ruling planet, and it’s sitting in the horoscope house you usually call home. By the 28th, any delayed plans will pick up breakneck speed, assisted by fast-moving Mars in Gemini. Now is the time to start making your Spring wishlist.


At first, it may seem like the universe is attacking you this month. It’s not; it’s just getting you prepared for the renewal of Spring. Venus has you seeking more independence. Whether in a relationship or not, you’re trying to “find yourself” by doing things by yourself. Your inner genius is stirred by this period of autonomy. The emotions of Pisces season are running high, and when Mercury goes retrograde in the water sign, you may find yourself in or near shambles. Uranus settles into your career zone, bringing with it an earthquake of epic proportions (seven years, to be exact). Everything that once seemed crystal clear is nebulous, as your goals seem obscured by an intangible veil. But they’re not. Remember Leo, from destruction arises opportunities to remold. The Libra full moon emblazons your communications house, drawing attention to any writing or speeches you have to make. Mars in Gemini breathes new life into you and your social calendar, which may introduce someone beneficial to your long-term goals. By April, you’re fired up.


Radical change alert! Your adaptability and farsightedness are being tested. Can you — nay, will you choose to expand, and change for the better? Uranus is prompting an evolution of self-development. Harness your inner Hermione (who’s also a Virgo), and read any and all the books about spirituality, religion, philosophy, and other cultures that you think will incentivize your ripening. Or maybe go on a trip and learn these things firsthand. Venus in Aquarius will help you choose the right path, attracting you to all sorts of unusual ideas that ordinarily you eschew. When Venus enters Pisces, you’ll take those unusual ideas and team up with someone equally unusual for a creative project. Before this happens though, there are bumpy roads among friends (and maybe even frenemies) thanks to Mercury retrograde. Contracts are delayed until after the 28th. Financial news emerges on the 20th. And by the 31st, when Mars enters Gemini, you’re galvanized in your professional life, helped along by some networking. You’ll rise anew, as a numinous gangster after March is said and done.


You pride yourself on your ability to compromise, but perhaps you haven’t been sharing all that you could, Libra. Uranus wakes us up to where we’ve become rigid. Secrets, natural talents, and taboos will be exhumed by the planet’s transit through Taurus, and you’ll dive deeper into creative depths you didn’t even know you had. But this process will take some time. Venus in Aquarius allows more instant gratification in your creative and romantic dealings, making you socially experimental and innovative. When Venus enters Pisces, this experimentation phase feeds your imagination like fertilizer. Mercury retrograde will slow thinking and momentum a bit, especially in your daily work. Routines are distorted, and appointments get made and cancelled again and again, but only until the 28th (yeah, only.) The full moon on the 20th should be good for you (notice I said should), as it ushers in a much needed attitude adjustment. By the 31st, you’ve got the vivaciousness of Gemini stimulating your ideas, and giving you the nudge you need to push your higher learning further.


Venus in Aquarius is making you dream up novel ways to remodel your living space, You’re on the prowl for some R and R. Retrograde Mercury impacts your otherwise magnetic charm, and you say the wrong thing to your significant other (this includes prospective significant others and children as well). Knowing you, Scorpio, you won’t apologize for it, but maybe you should. After all, do you really want to hold a silly grudge all month because at the beginning of the month you said the wrong thing to the person you love? Uranus in Taurus sits in your partnership area, causing tension between you and your partner(s) over a little thing called personal freedom. You demand it at unpredictable times, but don’t see how or why your partner should do the same. Vivid dreams and lots of brooding will generate many theories about why this is. When Venus enters Pisces, all is forgiven and figured out. Flashes of spiritual and/or artistic inspiration throughout March impact you indefinitely. In April, things slow down.


The shifting planets and the pressures of the middle of the semester are hitting you hard. Your fight or flight instincts are kicking in, and you just have to get away from it all, go to a faraway place where there are no responsibilities or deadlines or Mercury retrogrades or self-reflection. All month, you’re feeling all sorts of feels about home and family. People are shuffling into and out of your house (or maybe you’re doing the shuffling), and the decamping feeds your imagination when Venus enters Pisces. Still, you’re pining for the good old days when airports and sports games filled your schedule. Don’t worry, that’ll come in April. Until that time, Uranus brings pivotal life events during his seven-year transit of Taurus. And by pivotal I mean you get married, you get a new job, you get divorced and find a different career path, etc. Your daily routine gets shook in unfathomed yet welcomed ways. With a little patience, you’ll get that change of scenery you seek. Sagittarius dreams really do come true…


You are affected by planetary transits too, you old Goat. Most enviably, Uranus sits in your creative house, provoking you to make changes to your artistic self-expression. Your seemingly long-gone muse is resurrected, inspiring you to give shape to some eccentric and refreshing ideas. Venus in Aquarius fosters even more novelty, which you would do best to capitalize on or mull over — your choice. Retrograde Mercury increases the likelihood of miscommunications. People aren’t quite sure what you’re saying when you’re saying it so wryly. You’ll say it’s their problem (and you’re right, because you’re always right), but their problem soon becomes your problem because you’re a problem-solver… you see how Mercury retrogrades work now? The Libra full moon hits your career house, bringing some much-needed harmony to the workplace. When Venus enters Pisces, your imagination soars into Intuition Land. Senses are heightened, and your creativity benefits from interactions with friends. Mars in Gemini has you getting your to-dos done lightning-quick, giving you plenty of time to brainstorm. Enjoy it. By April, your muse pulls a Houdini.


Venus in your sign, makes you irresistibly charming — at least in the way that only you can be, Aquarius, which I’m afraid to say, is a rather peculiar way. But that’s what makes you unique. You’re accustomed to unforeseen changes. In fact, you live just to shock and be shocked. Well, buckle up buttercup. Your ruling planet Uranus is rolling in, and he’s bringing unanticipated changes to your home and family, jarring your attitude towards the past and any future bloodlines. The Libra full moon heightens your instincts about your higher self, and opens your myopic eyes to the realization that maybe you’re not always as fair and just as you think you are. (Basically, I’m saying you shouldn’t be so proud.) Opportunities to make more money pop up, but don’t manifest fully until after Mercury goes direct. Luckily, Venus will be in house of resources by this time, which increases your imagination and intuition. Mars in Gemini puts your mind on the future, hurtling you towards wild inventions that only you can pull off.


The beginning of March feels like a dream. And you Pisces, drift along as per usual. Then Mercury goes retrograde, and you feel a major brain drain. Where are my dreams? Why… can’t… I…remember anything? You’ll find your mind and your footing after the first week. Venus in Aquarius unburies your compassion (not that you were lacking this), and you are better equipped with psychic objectivity. Out of all the sign, Pisces, you love to daydream the most. If there are specific dreams you want to actualize, now is the time. When Venus enters your sign, you (faux) begrudgingly answer the call of your muse, indulging in every flight of fancy that comes into your heart. Uranus may make a change of residence or career a reality for you. Friends ebb and flow as well. Normally predisposed to be the listener, Mars in Gemini makes a chatty homemaker out of you. You’re inviting people over just to share all that you’ve learned this month, and to talk their ear off for a change.